Blog — emotional intelligence

How to Stop Negative Self-Talk 0

You can be your own worst enemy. Negative critical messages you say to yourself can rev up your stress, hold you back, and take you down!

When I was devouring self-help books in my 30’s, one of the books I read was “Mind Traps.” It’s a huge book but the basic concept is simple: What you say to yourself is important. You don’t have to keep repeating the negative messages.

The book spurred me on to notice what I was saying to myself.

Read on for:

• examples of negative self-talk
• 3 Steps for How to Stop Negative Self-talk, and
• a negative self-talk extinguishing exercise

The Dichotomous Thinking Right/Wrong Trap 0

Dichotomous thinking is black-or-white, all-or-nothing thinking. “Di” means two. With dichotomous thinking, there are only two options.

It is not a very real way of viewing the world. Most things in reality have more than two options. Most situations have a whole continuum of possibilities between the two polar opposites.

 Dichotomous thinking creates many mind traps.

The Chinese Farmer Parable: Maybe It’s Good, Maybe It’s Bad 0

Here is my version of the Chinese Farmer fable or parable that can help you to pull out of awfulizing about your life.

A farmer who was feeling down and out because his farm was not doing well went to the local guru to complain about his plight and seek advice. The guru’s response to his story: “Maybe it’s good. Maybe it’s bad.”

The farmer found the guru’s surprising “advice” disappointing and confusing.

He tossed and turned that night, unable to sleep for worry about his situation. His head spun imagining his family’s awful future.

When the farmer woke in the morning, . . .

5 Ways to Increase Your Self-Acceptance 0

 "The happiness, the peace, and the love you crave cannot happen without Self-acceptance.” - Robert Holden

 We don’t just have relationships with other people, we also have a relationship with our self. And that relationship is foundational to all other relationships. 

If you don’t accept yourself, you probably don’t accept other people either.

Shame, guilt, perfectionism, and old negative messages repeating in your mind, can all contribute to being down on yourself.

Being unhappy with yourself taints every aspect of your life.

Here are 5 ways to increase your self-acceptance:

Feeling is not a 4-letter word 0

Some people act like feelings are something other people—lesser people—have, but not something they experience themselves. They act like feelings are bad.

The reality is that feelings, or emotions, are an integral and crucial part of being human.

Emotions are tools that let us know what is going on between us and the world. They create a feedback loop . . .

Anger is a Secondary Emotion 12

I see anger as a secondary emotion.

It is the tip of the iceberg.

With an actual iceberg, about 1/3rd of it is visible and 2/3rds of it is hidden under the surface.

With anger, anger is the visible response, and some sort of emotional pain is hidden under the surface. Instead of dealing with that pain directly, we turn it into anger as a way to release it or redirect it.

Click Read More to learn what's underneath anger.