Blog — partner abuse

It Hurts: How Abuse by Wives and Girlfriends Affects Male Partners 0

When we talk about partner abuse or domestic violence, the focus is usually on women as victims and men as perpetrators. In reality, partner abuse can happen in any gender configuration and direction.

What is it like for men who are abused by women? Do they just take it in stride with no physical, emotional, or psychological impact? Or, do the repercussions of their experience reverberate across their lives? How does abuse of men by women impact those abused husbands and boyfriends?

Male abuse targets find little support in the media or society. Men tend to be isolated by man-law: be strong, don’t talk about personal stuff, don’t feel, and don’t ask for help. Even if they do seek help, the deck is stacked against them finding someone who understands their situation.

Men's experiences of abuse share similarities with those of women. They also differ in critical ways. It's time to bring these issues to light and offer the support that abused men desperately need.

What's Wrong with the Duluth Model for DV Treatment? 5

The Duluth Model is a DV treatment program that dominates every level of DV services from the police officer who responds to a 911 call, to the laws that govern how that officer is supposed to act, to the judge who hears the case if charged, and the treatment services provided to both parties.

The Duluth Model for DV treatment provides glaring examples of the DV community’s anti-male pro-female gender biases. In pivotal ways, the influence the model has waged is a major cause of those ongoing biases. 

From my perspective, the Duluth Model is not only flawed, and unhelpful—it is destructive. 

I have come to that conclusion through decades of advocacy for men abused by their wives and girlfriends, and for the expansion of understanding that Intimate Partner Violence (IPV) can happen in any gender configuration.

In this post, I'll give you the background. You can draw your own conclusions. 

How Many Men are Abused by Women? 3

Abuse of men by their partners, especially female partners, is usually dismissed as infrequent or not harmful, and is often laughed at or even encouraged. But how many men get abused by their wives and girlfriends? How many men experience domestic abuse and violence? What are the percentage stats for abuse of men? What are the relative numbers of abused men and abused women?

My answers will probably surprise you.

Marriage Counselor, Dr Laurel Anderson Testimony, Johnny Depp v Amber Heard Def Trial 7

A video deposition of Dr Laurel Anderson, Johnny Depp and Amber Heard's couples' therapist, was presented during Johnny's WaPo article defamation trial on April 14, 2022. As a therapist and author of several books about partner abuse I've been following this case for a couple of years and was particularly interested in taking a detailed look at this testimony. 

As I worked my way through Dr Anderson's testimony, I developed more and more questions about the therapy and this post became much more extensive than I anticipated.

Ann Silvers Interviews about Abusive Women and Abused Men 0

Because of my book Abuse OF Men BY Women: It Happens, It Hurts, and It's Time to Get Real About It, I've done many radio, TV, and podcast interviews explaining how and why some women abuse their husbands and boyfriends. Here are links and summaries of some of my interviews.

Johnny Depp and Amber Heard Audio Recording Sept 2015 Transcript and Analysis 6

Amber Heard and Johnny Depp created an audio recording of a conversation they had September 26, 2015. In these two hour-long recordings, Johnny stays calm and is suggesting ways to make their relationship better. Amber morphs from angry and demeaning to demure.

In  this recorded conversation, Amber admits to throwing things at Johnny and hitting him while calling him "a baby" for having a problem with her physical attacks.

Johnny repeatedly asks that things not get physical anymore and that they make a plan to call a time out if things get heated.

Amber resists Johnny's suggestions to give each other space when they are angry and she repeatedly chastises Johnny for not staying and fighting. This is not what one would expect to hear someone say to their abuser.

This post includes links for the audio recordings and a full transcripts of the both hour-long segments of the conversation. It also includes background to help you have more context for what each says (and how they say it).

I also point out some of what I noticed in this interaction based on my years of experience studying partner abuse, writing about it, and working with hundreds of couples who have experienced, or are experiencing, abuse from one partner or both.