Gaslighting Decoded: Insights and Quotes from Experts

Gaslighting will make you question your perception of reality. It can make you feel so unsure of yourself that you'll not only doubt your version of events—you'll absorb the gaslighter's version as if it's real. 

Read on for quotes about gaslighting to hear how experts define and describe gaslighting and the effects of gaslighting. 

What's in This Post

Gaslighter and Gaslighting Definitions

Here's a simple succinct gaslighter definition and broader explanations and definitions of gaslighting:

1. "Gaslighting is mind control to make victims doubt their reality."

--Tracy A. Malone

2. "In terms of gaslighting, I define it as “to implant false and/or distorted narratives that are specially designed or formulated to manipulate a person into a destructive web of deception, loss of control, and the surrender of personal freedom and beliefs of self-worth, self-value, self-esteem, and productivity.”

--Ross Rosenberg

What are Some Effects that Gaslighting has on its Victims?

3. "Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation and emotional abuse.

The Gaslighter avoids responsibility for their toxic behavior by lying and denying and making you question facts, your memory, and your feelings.

Basically, the Gaslighter makes you feel crazy and confused."

--Karen Salmansohn

4. "Gaslighting is the systematic attempt by one person to erode another person’s reality by telling them that what they are experiencing isn’t so – and, the gradual giving up on the part of the other person.”

--Dr. Robin Stern 

Who Uses Gaslighting?

Abusive people use gaslighting in many different situations from one-on-one to one-on-the-masses.

As you're reading these quotes, remember that the goals of abuse are to control, demean, or punish. This is true of partner abuse, abuse at work, and abuse by leaders. 

5. “Gaslighting, brainwashing, cults, hostage situations, and totalitarian propaganda have a common basis.

They use similar techniques to confuse, intimidate, and disempower people.

These methods are used by abusers of all kinds for the purpose of controlling other people, and promoting the abusers’ interests.”

--Linda Hatch, PhD

Narcissist Gaslighting Quote

6. “Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse used by narcissists in order to instill in their victims an extreme sense of anxiety and confusion, to the point where they no longer trust their own memory, perception or judgment.

The techniques used in “Gaslighting” by the narcissist are similar to those used in brainwashing, interrogation, and torture that have been used in psychological warfare by intelligence operative, law enforcement and other forces for decades.

The intention is to, in a systematic way, target the victim’s mental equilibrium, self confidence, and self esteem so that they are no longer able to function in an independent way, giving the narcissist full control over the victim.”

--narcissisticbehavior.net

Gaslighting Tactics

7.  "Gaslighting, at its core, is a form of emotional abuse that slowly eats away at your ability to make judgments.

Essentially, a Gaslighter spins their negative, harmful or destructive words and actions in their favor, deflecting the blame for their abusive deeds and pointing the finger at you.

This is often done by making you feel “overly sensitive,” “paranoid,” “mentally unstable,” “silly,” “unhinged,” and many other sensations which cause you to doubt yourself."

--Aletheia Luna

Preston Ni's 7 Stages of Gaslighting 

8. Preston Ni, author of How to Successfully Handle Gaslighters & Stop Psychological Bullying, talks about 7 stages of gaslighting that are breathtakingly familiar to anyone that has been the victim of narcissistic gaslighting:

1. Lie and exaggerate.
2. Repetition.
3. Escalate when challenged.
4. Wear out the victim.
5. Form codependent relationships.
6. Give false hope.
7. Dominate and control. 

The Psychology Behind Gaslighting: Exploring Preston Ni's Framework

Here’s what happens in each of Preston Ni's gaslighting stages if you are on the receiving end of gaslighting.

Gaslighting Stage 1: Lying and Exaggerating

In the initial stage, the gaslighter begins by telling outright lies or distorting the truth.

Goal of this Stage: They exaggerate facts to create doubt and confusion in your mind. Over time, this persistent lying erodes your trust in their own thoughts.

Gaslighting Stage 2: Repetition

After lying or making exaggerated claims, the gaslighter continues to repeat the false narratives or accusations.

Goal of this Stage: This constant repetition serves to ingrain the falsehoods into your mind, making you more likely to believe what is being said despite your initial resistance.

Gaslighting Stage 3: Escalating when Challenged

When you resist or question the gaslighter’s claims, they intensify their tactics. This can involve raising the stakes by becoming more aggressive, manipulating situations to make you feel guilty, or accusing you of overreacting.

Goal of this Stage: The pushback and manipulation breaks down your defenses and self-confidence.

Gaslighting Stage 4: Wearing Down the Victim

Over time, the continuous repetition and escalation take a toll on your mental and emotional state. You start to feel fatigued, confused, and emotionally drained.

Goal of this Stage: The resulting exhaustion and confusion makes you more likely to comply with the gaslighter’s version of reality.

Gaslighting Stage 5: Forming Codependent Relationships

As your sense of self-worth diminishes, the gaslighter reinforces a narrative of dependency. They convince you that they are the only one who can understand, tolerate, or care for you.

Goal of this Stage: The resultant codependency leads you to rely more heavily on the abuser and traps you in the abusive cycle.

Gaslighting Stage 6: Giving False Hope

To maintain control, the gaslighter sometimes offers moments of affection, kindness, or seemingly genuine concern.

Goal of this Stage: These gestures create confusion and give you false hope that the relationship can be improved or that they might change. It keeps you emotionally invested in the relationship despite the abuse.

Gaslighting Stage 7: Dominate and Control

By this stage, you may be so disoriented and dependent on the gaslighter’s narrative that you have lost trust in your own judgment. 

Goal of this Stage: The final goal of gaslighting is to dominate and control.

These stages reflect a gradual, often subtle process that escalates into full-blown manipulation, leaving the victim vulnerable and questioning their reality.

Why do Narcissists and other People Gaslight?

While I believe that there are several possible motivations driving the gaslighter's behavior (see my post What is Gaslighting Emotional Abuse? for my list of what the gaslighter has to gain from their manipulations), Dr. Henry Cloud speaks to one set of motivators.

9. “Someone who gaslights you is trying to talk you out of your experience to alleviate their shame and responsibility to an issue. It’s a tool to control and manipulate you.”

--Dr. Henry Cloud

To Learn More

I talk more about the subject of gaslighting in this post: What is Gaslighting Emotional Abuse?

Books about Gaslighting in Relationships

Amazon has many books focused solely on the topic of gaslighting. You can check them out here.

I have written several books about partner abuse. Each includes gaslighting under the category of emotional/psychological abuse. These books also explain other methods of emotional/psychological abuse as well as the other 6 forms of partner abuse (verbal, physical, spiritual, legal, sexual, and financial). 

My quick-read partner abuse books:

• A quick look at Partner Abuse: A Concise Overview of Domestic Violence, Emotional Abuse, and the 5 Other Forms of Partner Abuse in Straight and LGBTQ Relationships

• A quick look at Abuse OF Men BY Women: A Concise Overview of Domestic Violence, Emotional Abuse, and the 5 Other Forms of Female on Male Spousal Abuse

My other book on the topic of partner abuse, Abuse OF Men BY Women: It Happens, It Hurts, and It's Time to Get Real About It, is a comprehensive look at all 7 forms of partner abuse when the target of the abuse is a man and the source of the abuse is a woman. 

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