Parental Alienation: When One Parent Turns a Child Against the Other

What is parental alienation? Is it real? What does it look like? What does an alienating parent do — and how does it feel to be pushed out of your child's life?

Parental alienation is a devastating form of partner and child abuse. It hurts the loving parent who’s cut off from their child, and the child who’s manipulated into rejecting a parent who truly cares for them.

This post breaks down what parental alienation is, how it happens, what signs to look for, and the tactics commonly used.

Whether you're living through it now or trying to make sense of something that happened in the past, the info and resources mentioned are here to help.

Parental Alienation: Causes, Effects, Examples & Resources

What is Parental Alienation (PA)? Meaning and Definition

In Parental Alienation (sometimes called Parent Alienation), one parent intentionally alienates their children from the other good parent. 

It is psychologically abusive to both the alienated parent and alienated children.

What we are talking about here is different from normal estrangement that might occur between children and their parents because of expected stages of development or actual bad acts of the parents they are rejecting. It is a distortion of the intentions, attitudes, and behaviors of the alienated parent.

In their 2022 Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry article, professors Bernet and Greenhill said that:

"The definition of PA is a mental state in which a child — usually one whose parents are engaged in a high-conflict separation or divorce — allies strongly with one parent (the favored parent) and rejects a relationship with the other parent (the alienated parent) without a good reason."

Adult survivor of parental alienation and founder of the Anti-Alienation Project, Madi Welborne McGeehan, defines PA this way:

"Psychological child abuse where one parent manipulates their child to reject their other loving parent, without true justification."

With these definitions, it's important to note that the child may think there is "good reason" and "justification" for rejecting their parent because they have absorbed a twisted version of reality repeatedly presented by the alienator, but there isn't actual good reason or justification. 

Several research projects undertaken by Dr. Jennifer Harman, associate professor of psychology, Colorado State University, found that the alienating/targeted parent combination can be any gender configuration. 

▶️ Dr Harman talks about these projects and explains lots more about parental alienation in this video: Parental Alienation - Targeted parents and the effects - Research. 

When Does Parent Alienation Happen?

Intentional alienation of children’s affection toward one parent can happen:

• while a family is together,

• during separation, or

• after divorce.

While the family is intact and living together, an abusive woman or man may maliciously work to undermine their partner’s relationship with their child, misrepresenting the partner's actions and attitudes, thereby distorting the child’s perception of the other parent.

The most severe cases of parental alienation usually occur after separation or divorce.

Parental Alienation: Syndrome or Not? 

Controversy has brewed over the idea of parental alienation since Richard Gardner described Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) in the 1980s.

The controversy largely focuses on whether or not there should be an official syndrome for children experiencing severe behavioral, psychological, and emotional impact from being manipulated into rejecting a loving, nurturing parent.

Whether or not there is an official syndrome, I've witnessed parental alienation.

I've worked with parents struggling with exes who are blocking contact with their children through false accusations of abuse used to manipulate the children and courts. 

I've also talked to many parents who have reconnected with alienated children and adult survivors of parental alienation who are trying to process their experience and heal the deep wounding they suffer. 

And I'm not alone in acknowledging that parental alienation happens and has devastating impacts:

"With over a thousand publications on parental alienation, most of which are empirical [based on facts, not opinions] studies appearing over the past decade, the abusive strategies of alienating parents have been well-documented, as have the effects of alienation on children and parents, which constitute a significant form of harm."

— Edward Kruk Ph.D., Professor of Social Work, University of British Columbia, Psychology Today

Parental Alienation is Intimate Partner Abuse 

A parent who undermines the relationship between a good parent and their child is often maliciously controlling, demeaning, or punishing (the three hallmarks of partner abuse) the alienated parent. 

Dr. Harman labels parental alienation as a form of intimate terrorism.

The abusive behaviors can include falsely accusing the innocent parent of abuse and using those false accusations in harassing emails, disparaging social media campaigns, and vengeful court filings (legal or administrative abuse).

What Drives Alienating Parents' Actions: Why Do They Do It?

Why would a parent intentionally turn their child against the other caring, safe parent?

There are many answers to that question depending on the personal history, genetic predispositions, attitudes, motivations, and mental health of the alienator. 

In many cases, these individuals struggle to manage anger, frustration, and emotional pain. Instead of coping or healing, they externalize their distress — often channeling it into self-protection, control, or vengeance. 

A study published in Frontiers in Psychology (Exposure to Parental Alienating Behaviors and Suicidal Ideation) described several personality and emotional characteristics often found in alienating parents, including:

• Paranoid, narcissistic, or histrionic personality traits
• Low resilience around separation and loss
• Mood disorders
• Dysfunctional family histories and unresolved childhood trauma
  

No matter the reasons, alienation is never justified. The needs of the child — and their right to a healthy, loving relationship with both parents — should always come first.

What Are the Signs of Parental Alienation? Here’s What It Can Look Like

Parental alienation can take many forms, some subtle and some overt. Over time, these behaviors manipulate the child’s perception of the other parent.

Below are some of the ways alienation can show up. 

 An alienating parent (AP) might:

1. Make the children think that the AP’s happiness is dependent on them choosing the AP over the other parent.

2. Sabotage the other parent’s ability to spend time with the children.

3. Lie about the other parent or exaggerate the other parent’s flaws.

4. Lead the children to believe the other parent doesn’t care about the AP or them.

5. Isolate the children from the other parent’s extended family, including grandparents.

6. Interfere with the children’s relationship with the other parent’s new partner. 

7. Force the children to lie about the other parent.

These behaviors may be presented under the guise of “protecting” the child or “telling the truth,” but they corrupt reality.

They serve self-centered motivations of the alienating parent to meet their own "needs," control the child’s loyalty, and punish the target parent.

Over time, the child may internalize the alienator's version of reality — leaving the targeted parent cut off, confused, and heartbroken.

Real-Life Example: An Adult Survivor’s Story of Parental Alienation

Here is one of the stories told to me by an adult survivor of parental alienation.

At the age of 18, a man’s father showed him a shoebox of cashed child support checks (This was in the era when your monthly bank statement was mailed to you with the checks you had written that were cashed by the recipient of the check). The existence of the cashed checks went against everything the man had been told by his mother.

After his parents divorced, his mom had filled his head with stories of how his dad didn’t care about him, including what he discovered were lies about non-payment of child support.

Dad had tried and tried to secure time with the children, but his attempts were thwarted. Mom had so manipulated the situation that she demanded that the children lie about Dad in court. Torn, but wanting to please her, the children had complied. They falsely accused their dad of child abuse. The court believed their stories, and Dad was banned from contact with the children.

Having lost his custody court battles and his right to see his children, Dad moved out of state but kept sending the support checks.

After the eye-opening reunion with his dad, the two were able to rebuild their relationship, and the boy-turned-man was able to see that his mom had distorted his perception of his dad and that his dad did care about him all along.  

I have seen several cases similar to this one.

There is reason to remain hopeful. Even if your child has turned against you, they might find their way back to you as an adult.  

Dr. Amy Baker: 3 Alienating Messages

Developmental psychologist Dr. Amy Baker has played a key role in advancing the understanding of parental alienation using research-based and behavior-focused language.

Dr. Baker describes a three-part message an alienating parent gives to their child:

1. I am the only parent who loves you, and you need me in order to feel good about yourself.

2. The other parent is dangerous and unavailable.

3. Pursuing a relationship with that parent jeopardizes your relationship with me.

In the most severe cases of parental alienation, the child fully adopts the alienating parent’s hatred for the target parent.

Parental Alienation as Brainwashing: The Cult Connection

In parental alienation, manipulative messaging creates a distorted attachment to the alienating parent and rejection of the target parent. It is a form of brainwashing similar to that used by cult leaders.

Many parental alienation experts, including Jennifer Harman, Amy Baker, and Janet Haines, have drawn clear parallels between alienating tactics and cult indoctrination and control.

Cult expert Steven Hassan describes parental alienation this way:

"It is a form of undue influence in which one parent deceives and manipulates the child to feel fear, anger, disgust, or other negative emotions towards the other parent. The alienating parent may attempt to instill false memories of abuse or phobias about the other parent in the child’s mind. They may encourage the child to spy and tattle on the other parent."

▶️  In her video, I Was Part of a PARENT-CHILD CULT, former alienated child Madi Welborne McGeehan describes how Steven Hassan's book Freedom of the Mind helped her recognize that her mother’s devastatingly effective alienating behaviors were disturbingly similar to those of a cult leader.

🟢➜ I explain the alienation/cult connection more fully in this post: How Brainwashing Works: Cults, Propaganda & Abusive Relationships.

The Five-Factor Model for Diagnosing Parental Alienation

In an effort to bring more clarity and consistency to identifying parental alienation, two American psychiatrists — Dr. William Bernet, Professor Emeritus at Vanderbilt University, and Dr. Laurence Greenhill, Professor of Clinical Psychiatry at Columbia University — developed a structured approach known as the Five-Factor Model for the Diagnosis of Parental Alienation.

This model, published in the Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry in 2022, lays out five specific elements that, when present together, suggest that parental alienation may be occurring:

1. The child refuses or resists contact with one parent. The rejection is ongoing and not just a temporary reaction.

2. The relationship with the rejected parent was previously positive. There’s no history of abuse, neglect, or other valid reason for the child to sever ties.

3. The rejected parent has not engaged in behaviors that would justify rejection. The parent hasn’t harmed the child, and the rejection appears disproportionate to the parent’s actions.

4. The favored parent is engaging in alienating behaviors. This may include badmouthing, interfering with contact, or making the child feel guilty for wanting a relationship with the other parent.

5. The child exhibits behavioral signs of alienation. For example, they may echo the favored parent’s criticisms, show unwarranted fear or hatred, or give flimsy justifications for their rejection.

This model helps clinicians and legal professionals assess whether a child’s rejection of a parent is the result of manipulation or a natural response to mistreatment. 

The Negative Impact on Alienated Children

I met British professor Ben Hine at an international conference on men and families in Canada a few years ago. An adult survivor of parental alienation himself, he has become a dedicated researcher into the topic, and great resource for professionals and individuals dealing with PA.

In his book, Parental Alienation: A Contemporary Guide for Parents, Practitioners, and Policymakers, Professor Hine details the many ways the experience harms children, including:

• Loss of relationship with a good parent
• Loss of connections to alienated extended family
• Conflicted loyalties
• Adultification ("loss of childhood innocence," "unjustly tasked with making mature decisions")
• Emotional dysregulation
• Increased anxiety and depression
• Lower self-esteem
  
• Reduced academic performance
• Physical symptoms, including insomnia, stomach aches, and headaches

Long Term Effects of PA: Adult Alienated Children

The trauma of being alienated from a good parent as a child has lasting effects.

Adult survivors of parental alienation can experience low self-esteem, difficulty trusting people, intimacy issues, dysfunctional romantic relationships, substance use for coping, and ongoing mental health challenges, including anxiety, depression, and PTSD. 

Emotional, Mental, and Functional Impact on Targeted Parents 

Parental alienation is more than painful — it can be psychologically devastating. Being cut off from a child you love, especially when it’s based on lies and manipulation, can take a serious toll on emotional and mental health.

Alienated parents often experience profound feelings of:

• Confusion
• Self-blame and guilt
• Grief and loss
• Rejection, betrayal, and injustice
• Powerlessness and hopelessness 
• Isolation and loneliness

The unjust severing of the parent-child relationship can interfere with the target parent's executive functioning, making it difficult to think clearly, focus, and stay organized.

Negative impacts can find their way into every aspect of an alienated parent's life: mental health, physical wellbeing, finances, career, legal and criminal standing, future relationships, spiritual community, and social interactions. 

Anxiety, Depression, and Suicide in Alienated Parents

Targeted parents have an increased incidence of anxiety, depression, PTSD, and suicidality.

In one of Dr. Jennifer Harman's studies, she found that nearly half (47%) of parents on the receiving end of moderate to severe parental alienation thought about killing themselves in the last year due to child custody struggles. 

A 2020 Australian study of 54 alienated parents found that 23% of them had attempted suicide. 

If you’re in that hopeless place now, getting support and recognizing what’s happening to you are important first steps.

I realize that many people don't understand what you're going through, but there are at least two reasons to take heart: 

1. There is growing awareness. I know this because when I started working on PA about 20 years ago, there was very little in the way of research and resources. Now there is a lot of both. (See resources in the next section.)
2. I have heard many stories from once-alienated parents whose children reached out to them when they aged out of living with the alienating parent and cleared their heads of the brainwashing. (Hang in there. You want to be available if that happens.)

For men: It's important to note that male depression symptoms can be different from the symptoms typically associated with depression. [ 🟢➜ For stats, symptoms, assessment tools, and more, check out this post: Depression in Men: It Happens More Than You Think. ]

Canada and US suicide hotline: call 988. The International Association for Suicide Prevention website provides suicide prevention advice and worldwide resources.

Help for Alienated Parents and Parental Alienation Survivors

The emotional pain of being rejected by your own child, especially without cause, can feel unbearable. And because this kind of trauma is often invisible, many parents may struggle in silence.

This isn't meant to be a full list of resources, but it can get you started finding something helpful for you. 

Parental Alienation Organizations

Parental Alienation Awareness Organization USA

International Support Network for Alienated Families 

Parental Alienation Anonymous PA-A

The Anti-Alienation Project

Video

▶️   I was interviewed by Madi Welborne McGeehan of the Anti-Alienation Project for their Youtube channel. The interview focuses on scenarios where women are the abusers, but includes info about alienation in other gender configurations.  Click here for the video. 

Books

I've mentioned several books throughout the post that I won't mention here again, but here are some that I haven't talked about yet. 

Understanding Parental Alienation: Learning to Cope, Helping to Heal, Karen and Nick Woodall

Understanding and Managing Parental Alienation: A Guide to Assessment and Intervention,  Janet Haines, Mandy Matthewson, Marcus Turnbull. This is a 2020 Routledge academic handbook collection of articles by experts. 

PA Expert Dr. Amy Baker Books and Coaching

Dr. Baker wrote many books on the subject, including Co-parenting with a Toxic Ex, What to Do When Your Ex-Spouse Tries to Turn the Kids Against You (2014). 

Her most recent book is Parenting Under Fire: How to Communicate with Your Hurt, Angry, Rejecting, Distant Child (2023).

📞 Dr. Baker counsels targeted parents and coaches helping professionals. Click here for her contact information.

In-Person Counseling and Teletherapy

🔷 If you live in the Gig Harbor, WA area (Port Orchard, Tacoma, Seattle) and want to talk about doing in-person counseling with me, or if you're interested in teletherapy, complete the contact form here. 

Books to Help You Recognize and Understand Partner Abuse

Through decades of academic study of psychology topics, including partner abuse, and counseling couples and individuals, I've learned a lot about what works and doesn't work in relationships. I've used that learning to create books to help you figure out what's happening in your relationship.

A quick look at Partner Abuse is a summary of all forms of partner abuse in all types of romantic relationships.

Abuse OF Men BY Women: It Happens, It Hurts, and It's Time to Get Real About It is a comprehensive book about partner abuse when men are the targets of abusive wives and girlfriends, available for direct purchase through the site you're on (click here), Amazon, and other book retailers.

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