Signs of a Controlling Girlfriend, Wife, or Ex

Are you living with a controlling wife or girlfriend? Or dealing with a controlling ex-wife? Is a man you care about feeling trapped in a toxic relationship?

Controlling behavior is a key component of partner abuse — whether it’s verbal, emotional, financial, or physical.

This post explores common signs of control used by women in relationships and helps you recognize when things cross the line from normal conflict into abuse.

What's in this Post

The Abusive Behavior Continuum: How to Tell If Behavior Is Normal or a Sign of Control

A confusing aspect of partner abuse is deciphering when behavior is “abusive” and when it is “normal.” The difference between abusive and healthy behaviors is often found in motivation.

Each potentially abusive behavior can be placed on a continuum that spans from non-abusive (totally healthy) to very abusive. This spread is one of the things that makes it difficult to determine whether a specific behavior is abusive in a specific situation.

Everyone gets irritable occasionally. Being abrupt and raising your voice once in a while doesn’t meet the criteria for being called abusive or controlling. That behavior lands toward the non-abusive end of the continuum. On the other hand, repeatedly being abrupt and yelling demeaning, threatening words in an effort to extract control is abusive — unless it is in response to true danger. (This example shows how tricky it is to decipher where something belongs on the continuum. There are multiple aspects of the situation to consider.)

Here's another example: 

Monitoring a partner’s phone and email is abusive if it is obsessive and without rational reason for suspicion, but it may be sensible if trust has been broken and both parties are working together to re-establish the trust. In the second case, the monitoring may be seen as non-abusive.

Key Factors to Look For

When trying to decide whether someone is controlling, look for patterns of behavior and attitude.

Some questions to ask yourself to help determine whether something is abusive:

• What would a reasonable person do in the circumstances?

• Are you equal partners in the relationship?

• Are your thoughts and feelings being considered, or are they being belittled, ignored, or squashed? 

• Is the person being manipulative?

• Is the person being punishing? 

Having said all that, let's dive deeper into the why's, what's, and how's of destructive controlling behaviors and attitudes to give you more clues to figuring out the reality of your situation. 

Is It About Power — or Just Getting Their Way? Understanding Control

Controlling behavior in relationships isn’t always about domination or power for power’s sake.

Sometimes it’s about getting one’s way, avoiding uncomfortable feelings (especially anxiety), or trying to force the relationship to follow a personal script. 

But even if the motivation isn’t overtly aggressive, the result can still be damaging — especially when one person repeatedly pressures, manipulates, or punishes the other to maintain control.

These attempts at control can show up in many different areas of life — not just in arguments or big decisions.

What a Controlling Girlfriend, Wife, or Ex May Try to Control

Control can show up in many areas of life — not just in arguments or obvious power plays. A controlling woman may try to take over everyday choices and limit your independence in ways that gradually wear you down. Here are some common aspects of life a controlling partner may try to dominate:

1. time,
2. space,
3. activity,
4. contact with other people,
5. access to resources,
6. appearance, and even
7. opinion and thought.

What Does Controlling Behavior Look Like in a Relationship?

Controlling behavior in relationships isn’t always dramatic or severely abusive.

Sometimes it’s subtle — a repeated pattern of pressure, guilt, or emotional withdrawal that chips away at your independence.

Other times, it’s more obvious or even deliberately hurtful.

Whatever the form, it can leave you feeling like you're giving in a lot, losing yourself, and walking on eggshells.

Here are some common ways a woman might control her boyfriend, husband, or co-parent: 

• Demands and threats exert control directly.

• Sex can be used to control by rewarding desired behavior with access and punishing undesired behavior with denial of access. 

• A price can be extracted for behavior that goes against her wishes. The price might be losing time with his kids, being barraged with text messages, or being humiliated in public. 

• Avoidance through withdrawing, redirecting, or outright silence controls by removing the possibility the partner will be able to have his needs met.

• Being seductive, coy, or manipulative through words, tone, and body language are forms of abuse that control in less obvious ways.

If these behaviors are happening often, or you feel like you’re being steered, shut down, or punished for having your own thoughts and needs, it may be time to take a closer look.

Patterns matter. And even low-level control, over time, can take a toll on your well-being.

Tone and Body Language Used By Controlling Partners

A controlling partner may use words to get what she wants, or she may use her tone and body language.

Abusive tone and body language can range from coy to aggressive. It can be subtle or blatant. 

A particular woman may use many different forms of tone and body language to demean, control, or punish, or she may have methods of choice that she has honed the art of performing.

Abusive body language has a variety of forms:

• pouting
• seducing 
• looking or turning away
• walking away
• aggressively moving towards
• finger-pointing
• withdrawing
• showing a fist
• smirking
• temper tantrums
• crying
• glaring
• menacing
• towering or physically looming over
• eye-rolling
• a demeaning, controlling, or punishing glance

An abusive glance can send a message that the target of the glance has been trained to understand through previous experience. The message may be “You’re stupid,” or “You better not do that,” or “I’m mad at you.”

Abusive tone may be any of the following:

• seductive
• fragile
• helpless
• intimidating
• condescending
• loud
• aggressive
• threatening
• silent
• whiny
• coy
• teasing
• charming
• cajoling*

*Cajoling is a great word. The twisting, manipulative intent seems to even come through in the sound of the word. OnlineDictionary.com’s definition of cajoling: “To elicit or obtain by flattery, gentle pleading, or insincere language.”

Real Feeling or Power Play?: Motivation is the Key

Remember, not all incidents when these types of tone and body language are used are necessarily “abusive.”

Motivation is a key to where something gets placed on the continuum measuring the behavior’s abusiveness. A woman may cry, pout, or turn away simply because she is sad. She may also cry to control, pout to manipulate, or turn away to punish.

Abuse of Men by Women: A Book That Tells the Whole Story

Abuse of men by women is real — and it’s far more common than most people realize. If this post resonates with your experience or someone you care about, you might find my book helpful.

Abuse OF Men BY Women: It Happens, It Hurts, and It’s Time to Get Real About It is a deeply validating resource that explores what this often-overlooked dynamic looks like. It sheds light on the tactics abusive women use and the impact on the men they target — and it does so with compassion, clarity, and honesty.

Ways you can get your copy of Abuse OF Men BY Women

• Directly from my website (the same site you’re on now): eBook & print
• Amazon’s online stores worldwide (including Amazon US): eBook & print
• Other major retailers like Barnes & Noble and Apple Books: eBook only

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