Absolute Thinking: How “Always” and “Never” Distort Reality

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Absolutes are words and thoughts like always, never, all, and none. When these labels aren't deserved, they make people, places, and things seem worse than they are and contribute to anxiety, depression, and relationship problems. They can undermine self-confidence and make the future look bleak.

Let's take a look at how this common trouble-maker might be tripping you up and what to do about it.

Absolutes Can Make Things Feel Worse Than They Are

Illustration showing how absolute thinking intensifies emotions. A neutral thought bubble says “He’s late,” while an absolute version says “He’s ALWAYS late!” with faces shifting from calm to upset.

Absolutes are almost always wrong. (I'm not willing to say they are "always wrong" since that would be an absolute. :)

Negative things feel much worse if they “always” happen versus if they “sometimes” happen.

Your partner always running late is worse than if they sometimes run late.
“Never” is worse than “now.”
“I’ll never have a job again” is worse than “I don’t have a job right now.”

When absolutes are connected to things that don't warrant them, they make those things seem or appear

more significant,
more unchangeable,
more extreme,
more definitive,
more inevitable,
more dramatic,
more widespread,
more unyielding, and
more awful than they are.

They will make you feel like you are globally bad, rather than seeing the isolated things you might be bad at. They make you think that things will never be better, rather than allowing you to recognize that while something might be bad now, it may be better in the future.

Covert Absolutes

Sometimes absolutes are present in a thought or point of view, but not stated directly. Sometimes they are more covert.

For example, the big feelings behind "My partner doesn't care about me" may really be sparked and sustained by an unspoken "at all." The full thought may be, "My partner doesn't care about me at all."

When you say to yourself or others, “I can’t do this,” you may be thinking, “I can’t do this at all and I’ll never be able to do it.”

Absolutes and Cognitive Distortions

Illustration of a person surrounded by thought bubbles showing cognitive distortions influenced by absolute thinking, including overgeneralizing, magnifying and minimizing, filtering, polarizing, and awfulizing.

Cognitive (thinking) distortions are various common patterns of thinking that warp reality. They put a negative spin on things. That negative spin has a negative emotional, psychological, and behavioral impact on the individual trapped in the distortion.

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) experts have designated over a dozen cognitive distortions, including catastrophizing (AKA awfulizing), overgeneralization, magnification and minimization, mental filtering, and polarized thinking. Sometimes the list includes absolute thinking as its own cognitive distortion, other times it is incorporated as a contributing factor to the others.

🟢➜ I get into the details of cognitive distortions, what they are, and how to deal with them, in this post: Cognitive Distortions: Overcoming Negative Mind Traps.

How Absolutes Negatively Affect Relationships

Ruminating about how ticked we are with our partner is often propelled by absolutes that lead with “he/she/they always” and “he/she/they never.”

“He never listens to what I’m saying.”
“She never supports my decisions.”
“They always find excuses to avoid sex.”

Always and never feel worse than sometimes. When you have these absolute thoughts, check whether always and never really fit. Have you exaggerated the degree or number of occurrences?

Arguments with partners are often peppered with absolutes.

“You never want to spend time with me.”
“You always criticize me for everything I do.”
“You never help with the kids.”

If the statements are a true assessment of what’s going on, then you need to address the issue (tactfully), but if there are exceptions to the always and never, these kinds of statements usually backfire. Chances are, your partner can think of one exception to undermine the accusation, and now — that’s all they’re thinking about.

What to Do

Begin to notice when terms like always, never, all, or none are part of your words or thoughts, including covertly.

Avoid speaking in absolutes when you’re trying to resolve a relationship issue.

Ask yourself:

Does the absolute term really fit the situation?
What would be a better description of how often the thing happens?

Tools for Catching and Changing Absolute Thinking

Absolute thinking rarely shows up on its own. It usually appears as part of broader distorted thinking patterns that intensify emotions, fuel stress, and strain relationships. If you want practical tools for spotting exaggerated thoughts and replacing them with more accurate, reality-based thinking, I designed these resources with that and you in mind.

Cognitive Distortions Downloadable PDF Worksheets

Product image showing a Cognitive Distortions CBT Coping Skills Workbook, featuring printable and downloadable PDF worksheets for identifying and challenging distorted thinking patterns using the Catch, Check, Change method.

These guided CBT worksheets help you identify distorted thoughts — including absolute thinking — examine their accuracy, and practice more balanced alternatives using the Catch, Check, Change method. There are workbooks for individual cognitive distortions and a bundle option.

Building Skills to Uplevel Life: Emotional Intelligence Workbook

Building Skills to Uplevel Life is a print workbook that includes tools for increasing awareness of thought patterns, understanding how thinking shapes emotional reactions, and responding more intentionally instead of automatically.