Characteristics and Traits of a Narcissist

Narcissists see themselves as high achieving, independent of whether or not they are high achieving. From their perspective, they are the most important person in the room. They are arrogant and angered by anyone that they perceive to not be catering to their spoken or unspoken “needs.” 

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Do You Have a Narcissistic Wife, Husband, Girlfriend, or Boyfriend?

Being partnered with a narcissist can start out great. It can feel like you've hit the partner jackpot. It can be very confusing when relationship nirvana turns into an exhausting existence filled with criticism and self-doubt. 

Narcissists often draw partners with stories of how great they are or their gregarious personalities. They may be high achieving, beautiful, or handsome; but they are also artificial and excruciatingly self-centered. It can take some time for you to question the validity of their stories, recognize their exaggerations, or become aware that they only really care about themselves. By then, you may be caught up in their web or blinded by your first impressions. 

Narcissistic partners will criticize you for not taking care of them in the unreasonable ways that they want to be taken care of, while none of your own needs are worthy of the narcissist's consideration. (If narcissists seem to be considering you, it's an act to pull you in or rehook you, but they don't have the ability or desire to keep up the act.)

Narcissist Definition

Oxford dictionary's definition of a narcissist:

 "a person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves."

Mirriam-Webster definition of a narcissist:

"an extremely self-centered person who has an exaggerated sense of self-importance"

Narcissist Signs, Symptoms, and Characteristics

Narcissists can be very charismatic.

Narcissism is a personality disorder. The signs and symptoms of narcissistic personality include the following (not all are necessarily present in an individual):

• self-centered

• grandiose

• extreme arrogance

• needs admiration

• attitude of entitlement

• lacks empathy

• exaggerates their achievements and talents

• fantasizes about extreme power, success, beauty. . .

• doesn’t care about other people’s thoughts and feelings (although they might appear to care if it serves them in some way)

• can’t stand criticism

• exploits others

• envious of others

• thinks other people envy them

• expects to be treated as special

• wants to associate only with people they consider to have high status

• takes advantage of people

• becomes angry if they feel they have not been properly attended to

Narcissists Can Fool You with Nice or Tears

Narcissists can wear the camouflage of nice or tears. Drew Keys, author of the book Narcissists Exposed: 75 Things Narcissists Don’t Want You to Know, offers these cautionary notes: 

“When narcissists are nice, they are virtually always doing it for something they want, or because it benefits THEM to do so. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that someone who does nice things cannot be narcissistic. It’s not at all true; in fact, a significant percentage of narcissists enjoy playing saint. In addition, even very toxic people can be nice, at least on occasion.”

“When do narcissists cry? Narcissists cry for themselves. Because they lack empathy, when they cry, they are crying for what they personally wanted and didn’t get, for the upset, loss or disappointment they feel, or to get your pity so you’ll do more for them and give them more attention, more support, and more leniency.”

Narcissists and Gaslighting

Narcissists will often engage in gaslighting as a mechanism to exert power and control over others. Gaslighting makes you question your own perception and understanding of reality, allowing the narcissist to establish their version of events as the truth.

Gaslighting tactics may involve denying previous statements or actions, distorting the truth, minimizing the victim's emotions, and blaming the victim for relationship issues.

It's important to note that gaslighting is not exclusive to narcissists, and individuals with various personality traits may use this tactic in different relationships. However, individuals with narcissistic traits may be more prone to using gaslighting due to their self-centered tendencies and desire for control.

Narcissism, Malignant Narcissism, and Sociopathy

There is a great deal of overlap between narcissism and sociopathy (AKA psychopathy). Both are extremely self-centered, manipulative, and demanding. Both lack empathy and consideration of anyone other than themselves. 

I have long thought of narcissists as more benign and sociopaths as more malignant. Narcissists can hurt and destroy you as a by-product of their self-centeredness. Sociopaths set out to hurt and destroy you. 

"Malignant narcissist" is a relatively new term that you hear a lot in media. It could be used to cover those people who are nearing the sociopathic end of a narcissist-sociopath continuum but don't meet the psychology text-book (the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, DSM-5) criteria of sociopathy because they don't have a criminal history going back into adolescence. 

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