Narcissist Traits and Red Flags: Signs You May Be Dealing with One

Narcissists see themselves as high-achieving, independent of whether or not they are high-achieving. From their perspective, they are the most important person in the room. They are arrogant and angered by anyone they perceive to not be catering to their spoken or unspoken “needs.” 

This post explains common narcissistic traits, the difference between narcissism and Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), and how these patterns can show up in romantic relationships and everyday life.

What's in This Post

Do You Have a Narcissistic Wife, Husband, Girlfriend, or Boyfriend?

Being partnered with a narcissist can start out great. It can feel like you've hit the partner jackpot. It can be very confusing when relationship nirvana turns into an exhausting existence filled with criticism and self-doubt. 

Narcissists often draw partners with stories of how great they are or their gregarious personalities. They may be high-achieving, beautiful, or handsome, but they are also artificial and excruciatingly self-centered. It can take some time for you to question the validity of their stories, recognize their exaggerations, or become aware that they only really care about themselves. By then, you may be caught up in their web or blinded by your first impressions. 

Narcissistic partners will criticize you for not taking care of them in the unreasonable ways that they want to be taken care of, while none of your own needs are worthy of the narcissist's consideration. (If narcissists seem to be considering you, it's an act to pull you in or rehook you, but they don't have the ability or desire to keep up the act.)

What is Narcissism?: Definition and Meaning

Narcissism can involve a drive to appear superior, a fixation on status, and hypersensitivity to being ignored or questioned. Narcissistic individuals may exaggerate accomplishments, demand recognition, and react negatively when they aren’t the center of attention.

Oxford dictionary's definition of a narcissist:

 "a person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves"

Merriam-Webster's definition of a narcissist:

"an extremely self-centered person who has an exaggerated sense of self-importance"

In more extreme or rigid cases, narcissism may meet the criteria for a personality disorder.

What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)?

When narcissistic traits are extreme, rigid, and consistent over time, they may meet the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), one of the ten officially recognized personality disorders.

NPD is part of the Cluster B category of personality disorders, which also includes borderline, histrionic, and antisocial (sociopathic) personality disorders. People with Cluster B disorders tend to be dramatic, emotional, or erratic. In the case of narcissism, this often shows up as arrogance, entitlement, emotional coldness, and the exploitation of others.

It’s important to understand that personality disorders aren’t just “bad behavior” — they’re deeply ingrained patterns that affect how someone sees the world and interacts with people.

🟢➜ Learn more about what personality disorders are and how they differ from other mental health conditions, in this post: What Are Personality Disorders? 10 PD Types + Key Insights. 

Narcissism, Malignant Narcissism, and Sociopathy

There is a great deal of overlap between narcissism and sociopathy (AKA psychopathy). They are both members of the Cluster B grouping of personality disorders. 

I have long thought of narcissists as more benign and sociopaths as more malignant. Narcissists can hurt and destroy you as a by-product of their self-centeredness. Sociopaths set out to hurt and destroy you. 

Malignant narcissist is a relatively new term that you hear a lot in the media. It could be used to cover those people who are nearing the sociopathic end of a narcissist-sociopath continuum but don't meet the psychology textbook (the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, DSM-5) criteria of sociopathy because they don't have a criminal history going back into adolescence. 

Admire Me or Else: The Hidden Rules of Narcissistic Behavior

Narcissists can be very charismatic — especially when they’re in the winning-you-over phase or soaking up admiration.

Their charm can feel genuine at first, but it's often a performance designed to gain approval, praise, or power. As long as they’re being admired and not challenged, they may seem confident, generous, or even kind. But when the admiration fades, or someone dares to question them, the mask can slip.

They thrive on praise, expect special treatment, and often react poorly to criticism or anything that threatens their inflated self-image. The moment you express your own needs or stop playing the role they’ve cast for you, their true nature may start to show, sometimes abruptly, sometimes gradually.

The shift can be deeply confusing. You might feel like you’re dealing with two completely different people. But in truth, the charming version was a performance — and the controlling, dismissive one underneath has been there all along.

Narcissist Signs, Symptoms, and Characteristics

Narcissistic traits can show up in subtle or extreme ways. When these patterns are persistent, exaggerated, and cause harm to others, they may indicate Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

The following traits are commonly associated with narcissism. (Not all narcissists will display every one of these):

1. Excruciatingly self-centered
2. Grandiose
3. Extreme arrogance
4. Needs admiration
5. Attitude of entitlement
6. Lacks empathy
7. Exaggerates their achievements and talents
8. Fantasizes about extreme power, success, beauty. . .
9. Doesn’t care about other people’s thoughts and feelings (although they might appear to care if it serves them in some way)
10. Can’t stand criticism
11. Exploits others
12. Envious of others
13. Thinks other people envy them
14. Expects to be treated as special
15. Wants to associate only with people they consider to have high status
16. Takes advantage of people
17. Becomes angry if they feel they have not been properly attended to

Narcissistic traits like these aren’t just frustrating — they can be toxic. Spotting these patterns is the first step toward protecting your emotional well-being.

Narcissists Can Fool You with Nice or Tears

Narcissists can wear the camouflage of nice or tears. Drew Keys, author of the book Narcissists Exposed: 75 Things Narcissists Don’t Want You to Know, offers these cautionary notes: 

“When narcissists are nice, they are virtually always doing it for something they want, or because it benefits THEM to do so. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that someone who does nice things cannot be narcissistic. It’s not at all true; in fact, a significant percentage of narcissists enjoy playing saint. In addition, even very toxic people can be nice, at least on occasion.”

“When do narcissists cry? Narcissists cry for themselves. Because they lack empathy, when they cry, they are crying for what they personally wanted and didn’t get, for the upset, loss, or disappointment they feel, or to get your pity so you’ll do more for them and give them more attention, more support, and more leniency.”

Gaslighting: A Manipulation Tactic Often Used by Narcissists

Narcissists will often engage in gaslighting as a mechanism to exert power and control over others. Gaslighting makes you question your own perception and understanding of reality, allowing the narcissist to establish their version of events as the truth.

Gaslighting tactics may involve denying previous statements or actions, distorting the truth, minimizing the victim's emotions, and blaming the victim for relationship issues.

It's important to note that gaslighting is not exclusive to narcissists, and individuals with various personality traits may use this tactic in different relationships. However, individuals with narcissistic traits may be more prone to using gaslighting due to their self-centered tendencies and desire for control.

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